I seem to only remember this blog exists once a year at this point. Started when I was merely 15. I am now 22. Wild. The past two years have had pretty depressing update posts. Reflective of my mindset at the time. Fading into the Light was a title I chose trying to be optimistic when I was anything but. I wouldn’t consider myself an optimistic person at this point in my life, but I’m definitely not pessimistic. I am a funny result of all the trauma I’ve gone through. With that…
Most people in my life know what I’ve been through to some extent. To the point that it is more surprising when they have no clue. Cause when they don’t, I am not seen as myself at all I mean, let us ignore every bad thing I’ve gone through in my life and just go over the good. I grew up in an upper-middle-class family in one of the safest towns in America. Two-story house, media room, and playroom, every child (all 3 of us) had our own room and mini walk-in closet. The rooms all fit a full-size bed with room to spare. My room was the biggest, and I also had my own bathroom. My dad was an entrepreneur who was the founder of a fairly successful business in the early 2000s (after I was born). I am the oldest child and have always been seen as a smarter-than-average individual who was inherently more creative too. Oh! And did I mention we had a big pool and hot tub in our backyard? The deepest part of the pool was 7ft, I believe. We didn’t have pets for many years, but eventually, we owned two cats (bonded pair, brother and sister). My mother was a stay-at-home mom who quit her job only a few years into my sister’s life because it was easier. At least 6 days a week, she cooked dinner, and I always had access to breakfast and lunch. I went to public schools known for their high test scores. I was in the smart kids’ class since the age of 10 and was at least one year ahead in math. I danced at one of the biggest dance schools in my state from the ages of 4-14. Ballet, jazz, and tap. At least 5 classes a week. We were a catholic family that went to church every Sunday. And I have college fully paid for. Anything else? I’m white, a natural blonde, and cisgender.
So, yeah, I understand someone thinking I am privileged. Cause I am. I grew up privileged. But while writing, I had to change a few things people wouldn’t normally change. Tense is the big one.
When I was 10, my dad was given a death date. His cancer had come back, and it was everywhere. It took nearly 2 years. He survived longer than they said, but that tends to be the case with doctors, second to worst case scenario. I was the oldest of three. I remember the most. I hated my own birthday up until, well, last year. This was my first okay birthday in 10 years. So, I developed depression at the age of 11/12 but wasn’t diagnosed until I was 17, days before I was 18. I have had ADHD since birth and social anxiety for at least as long as depression. I was diagnosed with ADHD the summer after I graduated high school at the age of 18. I was diagnosed with social anxiety at the age of 20. I have had a sleep disorder my entire life that has only gotten worse as I have gotten older. This has resulted in me having nightmares every time I fall asleep (yes, even for just a few minutes) since July of this year. That is over 150 nightmares. The worst ones happen during naps and leave me confused and my memory fuzzy. And this is just the medical issues.
I’m asexual and somewhere on the aromantic spectrum. I present more gender-neutral than feminine. The one romantic relationship I have had was emotionally abusive, whether on purpose or not doesn’t matter. I have struggled to keep a friend for more than 3 years. I logically should’ve had to have repeated my junior year of high school: I got by solely cause of being naturally smarter than average and having teachers that gave me way too much slack.
When I was 20, my sister overdosed and died on my antidepressants. Resulting in me lacking my antidepressants during one of the worst months of my life. I have dealt with trash-talking against my character and abilities since my sophomore year of college. And whenever I tried to resolve it, it has gotten worse. Some people death-glare me based on the lies of others.
The only reason my college is paid for is because of SS funds from my dad’s death. I grew up in a conservative area and was basically forced through catholic confirmation. I didn’t even know people could like the same gender until I was 14. Eighth grade. And I like the same gender. To this day, I can’t live without taking 3 pills at night, better than some people I know, but I also struggle to take more than 3 medications at a time. I have had chronic headaches since I was 10 and didn’t get that dealt with until I was 19/20 (I wasn’t believed by doctors, which resulted in my body having an addiction/reliance to pain medications like Aleve and Tylenol). I still don’t keep pain medication because I’m afraid.
270 words for the privileged things. 481 for the bad things. And yes, I am still privileged. I will be the first to admit that. But I am also a human who has lived through shit and made it to the other side. Most people in my life know this and don’t allow it to change how they treat me. I don’t want to be treated differently. My issue has always been when people assume I have never had anything bad happen to me. When people use this assumption against me. Which I believe is completely understandable. I believe you should never assume you know what someone has been through based on what they’ve said. After all, why would I openly broadcast all the shit I’ve lived through. This blog is anonymous at the end of the day. Very few know this pseudonym.
Regardless, my yearly update… right. I am graduating college in May. I am set to have a wonderful senior year. I have several amazing friends and a beautiful little furry baby (who is currently lying next to me). I am extremely proud of myself. I am doing the best I’ve been doing in a while despite everything that says I should still be doing bad. But that is the thing: I am 22. I am quick to bounce back after all I’ve been through. And I just want to live to see the future.
Fading into the Light 